xanga leftovers

I am going to be lazy and just post my last Xanga for now. More to come in future.


today I have become aware of a phase of my life that I am going to refer to as sifting..This phase makes me at once sad,wistful, and perhaps deep down completely satisfied. But this is really deep down. I feel that God is yelling at me today, (which is a turn becuase usually it goes the other way) and telling me that i really can trust Him because He really does know what is best for me. He is showing me this by sifting through the things in my life and slowly getting rid of the ones that arn't quite good enough for me. this saddens me in some ways because people and things that I really want in my life are drifting on down through the cracks and I want them to come back but they are just out of reach through the grates and now that I see them from this perspective i see the darkness and the uglyness that they really posses and I wonder why it is only now I see this and why in the face of this loss do i only feel relief? Then I see these other things, these really shinny things that are in the middle of the sifter and realize these are what i should have in my life and the people I should always seek but I haven't thus but they have been given to me because I am loved by the maker and He wants the best for me. These are the people that are what makes the darkness of the fallen ones clear, in contrast I see how that what I want for my self is so not what is the best I could have. I am attracted to glittery objects when the true gems are just waiting to be dusted off. Then I see something on the edge of the sifter and realize that they are some really beautiful jewles and I am about to lose them because they are teatering on the brink of falling. They wouldn't fall through the holes but they are going over the side. These are beautiful spots in my life that I didnt take the time to notice and now feel that are going to be beyond me. This makes me wonder if I deserve to be loved or to have great things in my life because obvously I don't know what to do with them. I must not care enough to take good care of them. I spent my time int he corner with my glittery plastic things and didn't live life fully, then when the lights come on and I see what i am holding onto I realize that the true prizes are not in my hands but lying around me ont he floor dirty and dejected. I want to have the best but I don't deserve it.