tsfa ala

Why does it have to be so confusing? I always thought it would be glorious and exciting, but then it came and the changes were so slight I didn’t notice at first. I didn’t see it coming. And truthfully, the longer it went the more I dreaded the coming. And then, one day I wake up, and it has taken over me. The person I once was is gone replaced by this new person. Responsibility, what is that, who wants that? But having people count on you. Being that person. Becoming intoxicated by the sense of power and purpose. There another step is taken. Realizing that what was up is now down and the things that used to rule all are now slightly less important. They are thought about slightly less. Optimism is slipping away, and you sit watching it go wishing it would come back but powerless to stop it. What is left isn’t exactly pessimism, just a realization that the world isn’t as great as you want it to be, that people aren’t all good and just waiting for someone to show them how to be good. There is this jaded slightly hard part that when it surfaces it is like you are watching yourself react and judging negatively those actions taken and thoughts thought and then you slowly come back to yourself and realize it is yourself that you are judging, you have become that which you once despised….only it snuck up so quickly you didn’t catch it, you didn’t stop it, and now you don’t know how to go back, how to look at the things around you and see a room full of shiny opportunity instead of opportunistic souls and hollowed out shells of people who also once thought that a better world was just around the horizon, that greatness was there for the taken and that it was good. That war was a glorious endeavor that would lead to admiration and a sense that you helped to create a better place. Instead you look around at the blood and the nastiness around you and realize that it isn’t glorious, not at all, it is only people who have become blind to the fact that those things across the chasm, aren’t just things they are people thy are souls that long for something better, something bigger, just like you do, that thing over there is a mirror image of yourself, and in it you see the light dimming in their eyes and you see that the shininess is wearing off to reveal a slightly rusted out version of a former life. And as you stand there across that rift suddenly you realize that the glories you are looking for aren’t going to be found in destroying that thing over there, it is going to be found by restoration, by adding some paint, covering up the bruises. That will always be a weak point, but now, but now, there is something new. Something that gives you that feeling in the pit of your stomach like when you were a kid when you heard stories of bravery and heroism……you feel hope.