reflections from an easter sunday

so, the prodigal has returned. The waywardness of my past. The glint of steel the flash of skin. oh my! How horrible I havnt been praying for my husband to come to me.....if I ask for blue eyes then I'll know. maybe i am using them, but then i realize i too am being used. Which has the better means to an end? hmmm........ oh the beauty of convention and awesomeness of conformity. One person in a crowd. Taking the cup and advoiding connection. does anyone else think that God would cry for this? Resurection!!! oh my i love the edge of conflict, the beauty of good discussion.

afterglow

i feel the same.......i don't think I am different.......but then I turn around and catch a glimpse of someone...someone familar, but not quite. Then in a moment of revelation I realize this person is myself....it is me but not quite. There is a softness and an edge all at the same time. A hardness that wasn't there before. Lines toughness put on by inocence lost and knowlege gained. knowlege about a world that isn't like I thought it was going to be. Disapointments, from expectations. The realization that even good things have another side. These things add hardness. In contrast there is the softness. inner peace. mellowing of the soul. This comes from the realization that I don't have to do it all. I can't. Failure has led to this peace. I am not super girl, this is at once a disapointment and a relief. If I am not then I don't have to keep up the facade of trying to be. Therin is the real me. These soft spots are the ones I am the most intrequed by. As I gaze at my reflection I see a slower pace as i move, a carelessness of spirit and a deeper appreciation of beauty. As I meditate on these thoughts a glimer of an idea creeps into my conscienceness. I no longer feel the compulsion to run to move so fast through life that I missed out on things of beauty and things that weren't right beside me. Moments of my life are going so fast the onlythings I can really see clearly are those that are maintaing the same fast paced regime as me. Those things that when i looked to the side were right there beside me ste for step. Those things that were more lacksidazical were missed because they were just a blur in the review mirrior. They were the streaming of lights on the street they were the children laughing in the street They were the deer grazing by the side of the road. Music that didn't match my heart beat that wasn't keeping the rythem of my mind and soul was discarded and a new beat was formed one that built upon itself and climaxed in a frenzy of movment and sound and senses. That was at once so fantastical that it was hard to process all at once. To the outside world i was a part of that frenzy just a glimpse of leg or a passing glance as i moved around and around in a frantic pace. Slowly without really realizing it, this pace slows down. The music gradually develops into a slow ballad. one that is basking in the rememberance of the frenzy but enjoying the beauty of hte moment. this is where I find myself when i stare deep into my reflection. Basking in the afterglow of the wild dance and finding complete contintment in the absoulte splendor of the moment.

spinning spinning i turn round right

I stop spinning and suddenly feel the strain the fatigue the uselessness of all the movement. i look around at all i have negelcted and realize the peace that could come, but first I just want to lie on the floor and stare up at all the swirling colors moving round and round i close my eyes and still feel the movement round and round. i relax into the feeling and feel the energy leave me and the present becomes dim. Then i wake up and find myself lying on the floor staring up at the mess around me energy fills me and the cleaning starts felling empowered but the voices from outside the shouts of fun entice me to rejoin the circling frolicing and I give in, joining the circling once again but every time i colapse the mess around me is a bit cleaner and finally i wake up and am there.

xanga leftovers

I am going to be lazy and just post my last Xanga for now. More to come in future.


today I have become aware of a phase of my life that I am going to refer to as sifting..This phase makes me at once sad,wistful, and perhaps deep down completely satisfied. But this is really deep down. I feel that God is yelling at me today, (which is a turn becuase usually it goes the other way) and telling me that i really can trust Him because He really does know what is best for me. He is showing me this by sifting through the things in my life and slowly getting rid of the ones that arn't quite good enough for me. this saddens me in some ways because people and things that I really want in my life are drifting on down through the cracks and I want them to come back but they are just out of reach through the grates and now that I see them from this perspective i see the darkness and the uglyness that they really posses and I wonder why it is only now I see this and why in the face of this loss do i only feel relief? Then I see these other things, these really shinny things that are in the middle of the sifter and realize these are what i should have in my life and the people I should always seek but I haven't thus but they have been given to me because I am loved by the maker and He wants the best for me. These are the people that are what makes the darkness of the fallen ones clear, in contrast I see how that what I want for my self is so not what is the best I could have. I am attracted to glittery objects when the true gems are just waiting to be dusted off. Then I see something on the edge of the sifter and realize that they are some really beautiful jewles and I am about to lose them because they are teatering on the brink of falling. They wouldn't fall through the holes but they are going over the side. These are beautiful spots in my life that I didnt take the time to notice and now feel that are going to be beyond me. This makes me wonder if I deserve to be loved or to have great things in my life because obvously I don't know what to do with them. I must not care enough to take good care of them. I spent my time int he corner with my glittery plastic things and didn't live life fully, then when the lights come on and I see what i am holding onto I realize that the true prizes are not in my hands but lying around me ont he floor dirty and dejected. I want to have the best but I don't deserve it.